Do you ever think about someone,
Someone other than yourself?
Do you ever consider them,
How they may be feeling?
What if I told you something,
Something I have never told anyone?
What if I told you that it is so completely fucked up,
So dark, so shitty, that I couldn’t tell anyone?
Would you listen to someone,
Someone you call a friend?
Would you REALLY listen to them,
REALLY listen to me?
Or would my words only fall on deaf ears,
Would you only pretend to listen?
Knowing Listening could be my saving grace,
Or my demise?
I keep all of these thoughts in my head,
Because no one understands…
No one Even tries.
My mind is a dark and shitty place,
A place with no escape.
SO many voices,
Demons calling to me.
It’s a party of Personalities,
Personalities who do not mesh, at all.
Fron one second to the next,
I don’t know who I will be,
For how long.
I love you dearly my friend,
But you do not always get to see me..
The me who loves so deeply.
Sometimes you see the me,
Who Hates you.
The me who is planning 50 ways to kill you,
and get away with it.
The me who pushes you away,
who demands that you leave.
In the next minute,
I beg you to stay.
I Apologize for what I have said,
I love you,
Please don’t leave me in the dark again.
I love you,
I hate you,
Don’t leave me..
You call me a vindictive and Manipulative Bitch,
I sincerely care for you.
Have you left yet,
Are you still listening to me?
I am sorry for dumping all of this on you,
My friend, but thank you for listening.
It’s just that,
I can’t tell anyone.
I can’t because they won’t understand,
they wont even try.
I can’t let anyone in,
Let them know I want to die.
But it’s not what you think,
Because I don’t.
It is just so exhausting to live like this,
To feel every needle prick,
As if a steam roller is being driven over me.
I want to die,
But I don’t.
I feel everything so intensely,
Love, hate, remorse, fear,
ALL. AT. ONCE.
Sometimes, I wish I could feel nothing,
At all, ever again.
That all of my feelings would become,
One big cloud of nothingness.
That I could drift away in the wind.
I don’t know why everything,
Has to set me off so bad.
I search desperately for answers,
I try to hide it,
But sometimes I just can’t…
And because of that,
I set fire to everything I Love..
Because I am a horrible, evil, shitty Person.
Who deserves everything that Happens to me.
Just one day,
I wish I could have Constant and anticipated emotions,
It would be the best day of my life,
Since a young age.
But I’ve come to accept this thing I am.
I pray to gods,
Gods I know don’t exist,
For some sort of salvation,
Someone who maybe understands me,
But like the gods
It doesn’t exist.
What’s worse is I am blind folded and can never see
What is ahead of me.
Even Happiness makes me sad,
Because I know, Just like everything else,
I will destroy it.
For these reasons, I am afraid of the light,
I’m afraid it will burn out,
Because I Couldn’t keep it ablaze,
Then I will be in Darkness again..
Oh god it feels so good just to say all of this…
Remember that Party of Demon’s, and personalities I told you about?
I never know who I will be when I wake up, or for how long.
But what’s worse, is that I don’t know who the real me is.
Of the hundreds of thousands of voices in my head,
I can hear her, way off in the distance,
I can hear her screaming, hear her hurting,
I search for her constantly, to be her salvation,
I can’t find her..
Her counter part,
Screams at me,
Screaming at me constantly,
That if I just ended it all,
Right here, tonight..
That maybe I could save her.
I know they are all just voices,
Just my voice.
I have no sense of identity,
I am just wandering this earth,
Looking for who I could be..
Just when I think I’ve found her,
She just joins the party,
A sea of demons, selves, voices..
Back to square one.
” Who the fuck am I in this sea of people inside me? Are any of these even me?”
For bombing you,
I have no one…
I am afraid if I don’t apologize to you,
I will offend or hurt you or hurt you,
And you will walk away like everyone else does.
I push them away, but wish they would stay…
Everything I touch dies,
Everyone I love, leaves.
This is why I can’t tell you anything.
I shut down, instead of saying what I am thinking…
I’m Battling so many selves right now, as I’m telling you this,
I am crying because I am so grateful that you are even listening to me.
Someone who doesn’t get up half way through and walk away.
And trust… that doesn’t come easy either,
Befriending people isn’t easy for me, nor is social interactions…
With the constant war raging inside me.
Oh my god, you aren’t even listening anymore are you?
I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to talk so long,
I will just go away now,
I’m sorry, you are still here?
*Actually cries for real*
Did you know, that only 5.9 of the US population suffers the way I do?
~Sorry I am not always like this, I promise. It’s just a bad day.
If you made it through this entire poem.. Thank you, Mental illness is not an easy thing to deal with, if you know someone one, who suffers from BPD, Depression, anything, Please be their light, their saving grace. They really do need you no matter what they say. Pull out a gallon of ice cream grab two spoons and just listen while they talk, offer advice and comfort them where needed. I promise you, just talking to them, can save their life, and if you still don’t understand, maybe show them this and let them know some one out there does get it, and they are no alone.
Remember you are loved!
~~~A special thank you to beautiful friend who allowed me to use one of our conversations as material for this poem, I don’t suffer exactly how she does, but I do relate in many ways under the constant veil of depression. ~~~