Awake…

I wake every day.

I crawl out of bed (literally, my room is small, my bed it too big for it).

I put on coffee or tea, depending on my mood.

I use the bathroom, Take a shower if time and schedule permit, get dressed, do my light makeup, and spritz my perfume.

I pour a shot of apple cider vinegar, a small glass of lemonade, and fix my coffee.

I plug my nose, and shoot the vinegar, then chug the lemonade. The lemonade cancels out the disgusting taste of the vinegar.

I drink my coffee or tea while listening to music, sometimes I’ll have a cup of yogurt and/or a fruit for breakfast… Then go about my day.

Typically its studying and taking exams, 3 of those days I babysit for a few hours. then I go to one or both of my real jobs, come home, play a game, and repeat the process.

 

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On special days, the days I have orders to fill, I make wax melts.

 

 

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Or floral arrangements

 

I wake 7 days a week. I sleep most nights. but only for a couple hours.

BUT WHY? Why do I wake every morning… Why do I waste my time getting ready for the day, why do I spend it doing the things I do? I hate most days the ONLY days I wake willingly, are the ones I babysit. that little boy is so cute and funny even at 6 months…

Every other day, I have to pry myself out of bed, force myself awake. I have nightmares every single time I sleep, whether its bedtime or dozing off the images in my head are frightening, I’m single, and I’ll never have kids of my own… I can adopt but it’s really not the same thing.

Every day someone does something to make me feel worthless, tells me I can’t do something or I’ll never be good enough…

I try SO hard to rise above, to be everything they say I can’t. It is very hard though, very hard to remain positive in such a negative world.

I feel empty and tired all the time, I don’t want to feel this way anymore, and sometimes, even though I would never act on it, at least, Not in the last 8 years, I feel it would be easier, to just… Go back to hell.

Because, earth… FUCKING SUCKS.

*SIGH* I’m … just so tired of never being happy or having a chance to breathe…

 

I’m moving… in March/April… and I know when I do I will FINALLY be free but sometimes I’m just not sure if I will last that long without being committed or sent to jail…

 

3 thoughts on “Awake…

Add yours

  1. Not sure how much is story and how much is you, but for you – You are very much worth having around. Heck, I barely know you and I know you are worth it!
    Think in that next time the thought crosses your mind.
    It the story wasn’t you, still, see the above.
    Scott

    Like

    1. Thanks. This one was raw emotion. Probably sounded a bit whiney and for that i apologize but I needed to say it to my diary in order to move past it… eventually. It is hard to explain. But anyway, Thank you for the kind words 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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