ANOTHER GOOEY FATHER’S DAY POST…

Sort of…

I would Like to give a big shout out to the fathers out there doing your job as a father, Kufuckindos… Not all fathers do. Single, married, dating, baby daddy, you are doing the right things… Just remember to hug your children extra tight, every day, read them the stupid stories, watching cars and Moana on loop. Teach them things early. You may not always have them or they may not always have you, and they grow up fast. Cherish the days you have together. If they are already grown and off on their own, call them whenever you can. They will appreciate it. They still need you.
For all you tough little boys:

To the non-biological fathers, stepfather, guardians, uncles or adopted fathers… YOU FUCKING ROCK. You didn’t have to love your partner, after finding out they had kids, you didn’t have to take extra children when your sibling went crazy or passed away, you didn’t have to let a random, possibly troubled, child into your home who otherwise wouldn’t have been loved…BUT YOU DID. That is highly admirable.  Cherish the moments. Children KNOW the biological difference, but they don’t have to FEEL the difference. Nature vs nurture, in this case. They will love you as if they came from your loins. If you keep doing your job as a parent. Love, respect, cherish, protect, house, feed, water, support, play… If you do all of these with the children, they will see you as daddy. not as someone they are forced to live with. Don’t try to replace the parents if the bio is around. Co-parent effectively and you will be happy as a unicorn jizzing rainbow glitter. Shout out to my (ex) Stepdad: You are the best. I know having me as a daughter wasn’t easy but you still stuck it out. You loved and supported me when it was really hard and kept momma from killing me a few times (haha). I love you so much, and even if you aren’t technically my stepfather anymore, I still love you as if you were my bio dad and want you to know you are the best father a child could ask for, even though we didn’t always see eye to eye. You stepped up when my own father didn’t and taught me many things that a daddy should teach a young lady *even if they didn’t sink in until later in life.*
IF I’m ever a step mother, I hope I’m half the (Wo)man You didn’t have to be…


and nothing like my stepmomster. ♥

Now to the mommas out there playing both roles. YOU GO, GIRL… You are killing it as a parent and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Maybe someday you will find someone who will accept you and your babies,  or maybe you have chosen not to date again and that’s all good too. But you keep doing you.

Be tougher than a man:

I respect all of you for all that you do, and I am sure those around you do as well.

With all of this said… I don’t typically Celebrate this day because It hurts. SO bad, even though I have amazing grandpa’s and an amazing (ex)Stepfather who all all have helped to shape me in to the lady I am today, though my momma did most of the work (thanks momma).
I do have a “father”, who unfortunately was demoted to sperm donor a little over 12 years ago. It’s not for lack of trying to make things better, to reconnect, to even be on any sort of speaking terms outside of fake holiday smiles and store bumps. But because ultimately he refuses to. I fucked up alot when I was younger, I admit this, and I had repented and apologized for it all, and some things I never actually did, but was accused of. but we still do not have a relationship.I call him every year on his birthday, and sometimes I’ll call him on days like today. He rarely answers so I leave a message, he never calls back. On those rare occasions he does ACCIDENTALLY ANSWER, he doesn’t say much to me, and his wife is running her mouth in the background. “Is that the worthless human you sired?”. If we cant have a relationship I would at least like the closure. But I will never get that, nor will the wound ever heal. I hear it will get easier with time, but I feel like it’s only getting harder. I am 26, I’ll be 27 soon, and I STILL wonder what the FUCK I did so wrong. Why doesn’t he love me anymore? He wrote a song for me when I was little, it all seems so fake to me now, but the song was so sweet that I feel it was true at some point. Everytime I hear this song:

I cry because it was one of our favorites *it has absolutely nothing to do with the actual story behind the song, which I only recently learned* Another song that hurts me is Seminole wind because of the bittersweet memories, a campfire, guitars, singing, playing in the crick, writing music together, I think we even recorded a cover of this one together when I was 5.


And I always just turn this song off:

Because it is the one he played on his guitar to me before he left the first night everything in my life changed, to meet the step-monster on the east coast. I never have gotten this closure, I never will, it’s a wound that literally will never heal and it leads to insecurities in my own relationships. Will I turn out just the same as he? OR will I be like my momma and do whatever it takes to make sure my children are happy and doing well and growing up the best they can?

I will never forget that night,the (second) night everything had changed:
The Wolverines had annihilated T-Lake at a volleyball game, I was pumped. I couldn’t wait to tell my dad all about it, it was our final game of the season… I had gotten a ride home from a friend, as I usually did on away games, We got to a fork, one is a straight shot home the other would take us the long way, I suddenly had a bad feeling, and begged my friend to take the long way. He did…I wasn’t one to show fear, or cry in front of others and he knew this, we basically grew up together, but it wasn’t long enough. We sat in the driveway for a few minutes before he gave me a hug and said be strong, whatever happens, you will be ok, you are a lady Wolverine. I went walked slowly up front watching my his car leave the drive took a deep breath and walked in. I was met with yelling, and my daddy was clearly seeing red, but I had no idea why. When I asked what he was talking about he tossed me to the couch and punched a hole in the wall just by my head. Then slapped me when I asked again. I was really confused. Turns out the reason was something I didn’t do. I wasn’t even allowed to use the computer because I had been talking to an older guy and they changed all my passwords to everything I was only allowed to use my online Spanish class email, which was secure and I couldn’t email anyone outside of the class. LOng story short, it was a lie, the thing I did that I didn’t do. after my dad calmed down a little bit, we left, because what else could we do. He bawled and asked why i would do that when we finally stopped driving. I tried to tell him it wasn’t me but he didn’t believe me. he said “we will figure out as a family tomorrow.” This really meant, I’m calling your momma and your stuff will all be packed and waiting for you outside so I don’t have to see your face, and we will never be the same. This is night everything changed. And it plays even in my dreams. Maybe this is why I can’t get over it. OR maybe it’s because I want to believe that someday he will see the truth…Or.. something. Until then.. I’ll keep trying stupidly, Probably even after he is gone, Which I probably won’t find out until 10 years later. I love him, but he doesn’t love me. This is leading me to have insecurities about me having my own children or becoming any form of parent in future. I am afraid I will be like the negative influences. No matter how good I try to be.

The whole point of this, Is not to get pity or have anyone feel bad, but to let you know, that no matter how you leave, your children will NEVER understand you, they will continue asking these questions. IF you have to leave, whether you are a mommy or a daddy, give them the closure, explain to them why you don’t want them, or want to be involved in their life, or why you can’t be, don’t let them grow up thinking they are not good enough to be honored with your presence.
ON the same note, if you are a child, who is missing a parent and are not sure why YOU ARE WORTHY OF THEM. but they are not worthy of you if they can’t even write you a sticky note explaining anything. Trying to contact them will hurt when they don’t answer, it will hurt so much, and eventually, you will give up… Eventually, it won’t hurt as much… Eventually, you will learn that bearing grudges and pain aren’t worth the amount of time you spend on it. Because life is too fucking short. And sometimes, if you are weak like me, you will start trying again. I can’t tell you how to properly go about this as there is no answer. I can only advise you do your best to make sure you are happy and not constantly hurting. Or that you aren’t constantly hurting your children.

Here’s to the good daddy’s out there, a couple good notes:

Especially For the grandpa’s of the world, we can’t forget them, I know I’d be lost with out mine:

I added this one, Because its about a daddy and a daughter, but also, because it reminds me of papa, “I thought we were fishin papa, these are anchobies.” Now we need a song about gold panning too hehe.

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