A Decade, A Recurring Nightmare

Anyone who knows me, knows that nightmares are nothing new for me, and sometimes I even take solace in them.

Sometimes, the guilt of your past haunts you forever, and even if consciously you have forgiven yourself, subconsciously you may not have, and it causes you have night mares.

For me, the few days, and St. Patricks day haunt me, and I relive a past event for roughly 5 days in my dreams, this causes a great and strong depression and usually 5 full days of booze, mostly wine.

It’s been 10 years since my best friend departed this life, I hope he does not suffer in his next life. I also hope this life was not his fourth and final life. What comes next is the dream I had the night of the 20th day of March in the year 2018, and loose retelling of events of the past, and present.

In my room strewn about were clothes, bed sheets, pillows, various bedroom accessories… a very kinky night with someone I love… some one knocks on my door and walks in, crying, wrists bleeding, pushing my lover off my bed, I run to the person whom walked in. I pour some vodka over the cuts, they are pretty deep, but not fatal, I wrap them tight and sit down on the couch with my friend and talk to him. We talk for hours. I feel as if he is calm enough, he’s agreed to give himself to the psyche ward. Ive got to pee so bad at this point. So I do. I walk out of the bathroom drying my hands on my jeans, I stop frozen, “I love you…I’m sorry” were his last words as he slit his own throat, blood gushing, if I had moved I could have saved him. If i hadn’t gone pee, I could have saved him.

The scene fades, and I wake screaming and crying, the image replaying like a gif… I awake from this nightmare to spam from my other best friend. 30 missed calls, 20 text messages, 5 voicemails, 60 line messages, 40 missed line calls, 160 voice clips via line… The list goes on. I call my friend and he tells me he feels tired. He just wants to sleep, after he made love to roxy,  I get in my car, it’s dark, the fog is thick, my head lights doing absolutely nothing for me. As I’m speeding toward the cemetery. All I can say to him is “Don’t fall asleep, please stay with me, I love you,I’ll be there soon please.” The fear mounting with each passing second, my heart in my throat tears streaming, as his breathing gets slower and his responses less frequent. 5 agonizing minutes later, I found him at our spot. I administered a narcan shot, the ambulance wasn’t far behind me. I held him tight as we waited for them, I rode with him through the fog as the ambulance sped towards the hospital, I was successful in saving my friend this time… 

but I replay this night in my mind every night all night, even while he sleeps next to me… Sometimes he leaves in different ways, but he always wakes. 

Flash forward to August 25th, 2018…

 My nightmare continues, he’s taken Roxy as a love again… This time I can’t save him, the ambulance is too late…

I keep pinching myself hoping to wake. 

But I never do. 

In my nightmare, the service is tomorrow… I will deliver a speech… I will cry, I will say how I am glad that he now is reunited with his  late wife, young son, and unborn child… I will sing his favorite song, I will watch them lower his casket into the ground. I will perform a ritual and hope my kami find his spirit and guide him safely through the afterlife. I will lie by his grave all night and cry, and talk and laugh as of he’s still here… 

I will sing to him again and again until he comes back to me. 

I will tell him that we will grab coffee on Monday, because this is just a dream…

I just need to wake up.

Please, someone, wake me up. It’s time to wake up, I am begging you, on my knees, I will forever be in your debt. As long as you wake me from this nightmare.

Requiesce en pace My friends… Hopefully we can meet happily in the next life ♡ 

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